“I canceled your son’s eye surgery — glasses are cheaper,” mom texted. $8,400 procedure he’d waited 6 months for. She’d called the hospital pretending to be me. Brother: “She’s right, stop being dramatic.” My 12-year-old was nearly blind without correction.

I asked how one projected laughter revenue.

Mom asked me to stop being sarcastic.

I explained that I could not because apparently I was the only family member consistently producing usable comedy material.

Then Mom finally admitted why they had come.

They needed one more month of money.

The mortgage was due.